Over the last year or so, my house has been the target of very dedicated, and well funded pests.
The Jehovah Witnesses…
They drive up in brand new SUVs, in nice suits, with leather briefcases. Many times, they dress their kids in their best clothes and bring them to visit as well.
When I was growing up, my mom would see them coming, or answer the door, and start to scream at them to leave. That they were trespassing. I felt embarrassed for her. I wondered why she was so mad at them?
Many years ago I thought, if I had these visitors come to my door, I would be polite. Do the opposite of what my mom did. I would not invite them in, but take their pamphlets, and say that I would read them. I thought if I took their books, and pamphlets, they would not come back, having passed on their ‘important’ message. That didn’t work.
So, I took a new tactic. I would open in the door in my underwear. Try to shock them in hopes that they would not come back. That didn’t work.
Then, I got this t-shirt.
If I couldn’t get them to go away with my subtle half nakedness, then why not try to offend them? But, that didn’t work.
After what I thought would surely get rid of them, I decided to get into flaming debates with them about atheism, religion, and ask them to prove to me their god existed. These debates never went well. They went in circles. They would point to something like a tree and say that it proved god existed for some crazy reason. Years and years of trying to get into debate with them didn’t work. Even printing out my double sided Flying Spaghetti Monster brochures hasn’t helped.
My only joy was to try and get any kid that was dragged along to try and talk to me. I would try to let them know that at some point when they were older and were able to think for themselves, to check out science and evolution. That it was true, and what their parents were telling them was a lie. That kinda worked to get them to leave, but I felt bad for the poor kid caught in the middle.
I was starting to become bitter. Every time I would see their shiny SUVs coming down my driveway, my heart rate would go up awaiting a massive argument and fruitless debate. I decided I didn’t want to answer my door anymore.
So, I bought this sign and put it proudly on my front door.
I have had in on my front door for about a month now. I’ve had no visitors/pests. I really thought I was smart.
My first thought? FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU
I have two options now.
- I join the Jehovah’s Witnesses. I get dressed in my suit and pile into their shiny SUVs and go door to door. There is bound to be discussion amoungst the passengers as to which houses to avoid and why. Or, if we get into a horrible altercation, maybe a decision is made to not return. I’ve got to find out what works…
- My last option? Return to the method my mom used 30 years ago. Scream at them to get off my property. Fuck being polite.
Has anyone found a sure fire method to not have the Jehovah’s come at least once a week?